Chasing the Ordinary
by TCBN
Summary: Stan introduces a story for a competition. The story is about (oc)Rachel who tries, with best friend (oc)Sam's help to go after single Stan Marsh. Along the way, Rachel battles against Kenny's gross allures and equally creepy alter ego. Meanwhile, Sam battles with his own personal feelings towards Rachel. At the end of the story, Stan shares a valuable lesson (No gay pairings)
1. The story begins

"What do you mean the superhero doesn't always get the girl?" Kyle glared, holding his new narrative to his chest

"Well, I'm sure not all Hollywood movies want the same formula, despite the huge fan base" Stan started

"But the feel good movies are awesome! That's why everyone likes them!" Kyle jeered

"You listen to me and you listen good" Stan grinned, shoving his story in his face, "My story will win the contest!"

"No it won't!" Kyle scoffed, "formula for the win!"

They walked into class and Stan handed Mr Garrison his story for him to read aloud.

_People say that you don't have to be a badass, masculine or awesome to get the girl. _

"That's the dumbest saying ever" Mr Garrison scoffed loudly as he began the story...


	2. chapter 1

Rachel looked at Sam with immense interest. Sam wiped his eyes in exhaustion. Sam was eating something from a paper bag, using a fork. It looked like scrambled eggs.

"Really, how many beers did you down last night?" Rachel asked

"PFFffffffff!" Sam waved a hand, "Thirty?"

"Jesus, dude!" Rachel blinked in amazement, "You're really hating your liver!"

"Eh" Sam waved a hand and groaned as he headache pulsated

"What are you even eating anyway?" Rachel reached to pinch put of the brown paper bag. Whatever it was, it smelled good, so good, Rachel had to do just that.

"Eggs, French fries, salt n' pepper and bacon" Sam repled, taking a fork out and serving himself a greasy forkful of food.

"Dude" Rachel raised an eyebrow, "I can see the grease on the fries"

"The whole point" Sam sucked the egg off the fork and took another fork load

"Oh- So that's your new hangover cure?" Rachel asked, looking grossed out

"Trust me, the salty goodness will do ya wonders!" Sam laughed

"Hello!" Kenny jumped before them, causing Sam to jump in absolute surprise, egg and bacon showering onto his front and into Rachel's hair.

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry!" Sam swore, plucking egg from Rachel's hair, muttering as a french-fry smeared it's way down her face, leaving a slithering salty trail of grease, causing Rachel to laugh, batting Sam off.

"Oh hot damn, I'd lick that right off" Kenny winked at an instantly uncomfortable Rachel, "Take that as a joke., seriously. Anyway are you new?"

"No, I've been here for a year now" Rachel plucked the French fry from her face and ate it, smiling in surprise. Damn that was a great hangover cure.

"Ok, sorry I came off as creepy" Kenny sat between them, forcing them apart, "How are we?"

"Um, good?" Sam blinked, munching on a fresh mouthful of eggy French fries

"Great we were discussing french-fries" Rachel shrugged, hand plucking a french-fry from the packet, only to have it's end bitted off by Sam in the process of sailing in Rachel's direction.

"How much booze did you drink? You smell like my granddad!" Kenny howled

"Thirty" Sam deadpanned

"Well, you smell like the bathroom!" Rachel teased, "Leave my best friend alone!"

"I'm poor!" Kenny retorted, laughing, "I'm allowed to smell like the toilet"

Both persons stayed silent.

"You'll warm to me, sweetheart" Kenny winked

"Hope so, because you're coming off as pretttttty odd" Rachel admitted


	3. chapter 2

Mysterion waited for the perfect moment. This was mean but it was totally worth every penny he had spent buying himself a new purple cape. Kyle had already told him it was a dumb idea but he didn't let that deter him. Kyle just had to ask Sam, who was holding two slushies, a quick question about science class and Mysterion would swoop in and hopefully not fuck it up. Please god, will you be a really nice guy to me tonight, please? Please? PLEASE? He glanced from his hiding spot, jumped and started to run. Butters singled from the top of a building and let free a bucket of trash, smelling like hell, pointed for Rachel's unsuspecting head.

"Hey, watch out!" Mysterion shouted, hands flapping as he slammed Rachel straight into the road, where cars were speeding past.

"Ow- you dick!" Rachel screamed as she fell, seeing Mysterion get impaled by a bucket of smelling trash, rabid flies running amok.

"Hey! Get outta the road!" a driver swerved past Rachel as she scrambled for the pavement.

"Dude!" Sam walked over, "what the hell just happened!?"

"Ugh, I just got pushed into the road" Rachel shrugged, as if it was nothing

"Are you okay?" Sam blinked, glancing at the purple heap groaning as it lifted the stinking pile of trash from his head.

"Yeah, totally" Mysterion smiled and stood up, flicking off a banana peel

"I understand the good intention, but I would rather be impaled by a flying vomit projectile than a car" Rachel half smiled

"I'll try better next time" Mysterion bowed in a dead serious manner

"Anyway" Rachel took ahold of her drink from Sam's hand and walked with him, "Did you used to play dress up when you were a kid?"  
"Nah" Sam shrugged, "Unless you consider Harry Potter a superhero. I mean… he had like… the POWER!"

Sam raised his slushie to the sky as if it was the Holy Grail, for added effect.

"You have… THEW POWER!" Rachel chortled, clinking plastic slushie cups with Sam's. Sam was laughing along with Rachel's sniggering, they kept talking, until they hit on a new conversation that Kenny was secretly listening to, walking through the shadows behind them.

"So, do you fancy anyone?" Sam was just about to press on with the _so do ya like me? _Card when he froze at her reply

"Well, there IS this really good looking guy that I think I like…" Rachel mused

"Who?" Sam asked, lowering his voice to reduce the velocity of amusement in his tone.

"Stan?" Rachel answered in a question as he watched Sam freeze, cover his mouth and let out a laugh.

"What's so funny?" Rachel said, mock hurt

"You hardly know him" Sam snorted, fighting every single residual atom in his body to throw the slushie to the ground in a childish manner.

"But I need your help. You're a guy so I need your guy-dance" Rachel smiled

"My guy-dance?" Sam laughed, "Alright, I'll try give my guidance if you promise one thing"

"And what's that?" Rachel looked at him

"Promise you won't shove your friends into the toilet and sit on the flush button while you fuck your future boyfriend" Sam said

"Wha-" Rachel spluttered slushie all over the place as she cracked up "Sure! What, are you scared I'll leave my best friend for a _boyfriend_?"

"Yes" Sam admitted

"I promise!" Rachel laughed

"Hooray!" Sam flung the slushie behind his back, impaling Kenny in the face who silently swore in frustration. This was certainly NOT going to plan.

"I object to you dating my best friend!" Kenny said, now in his underwear, discarding his superhero clothes

They turned around and Sam was the one who let out a high-pitched scream.

"DUDE! Did that just come outta YOU!?" Rachel gawked at her friend, eyes moving to the blonde, and screaming at an even higher note than Sam.

"Excuse me" Sam said gruffly, blushing, "you caught me off guard"

Kenny stifled laughter, "You're such a girl, Sam!"

"I am not!" Sam retorted, stifling his own laughter. Jesus, he was acting like a girl. Or maybe it was because his only best friend was a girl.

"Anyway, what's your problem with Stan potentially liking me?" Rachel asked, cringing, "and why are you in underwear?"

"Well, I wanted to see if I could win this bet I made" Kenny laughed, "About me being able to make your friend scream louder than you can!"  
Rachel shuddered at this and crossed her arms "and the Stan comment?"

"Well, it's a better idea to get to know the person first" Kenny shrugged and ran off.

"Cuhreeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Rachel started in falsetto when Sam interrupted with a very noisy slurp from his slushie.

"Well, the first rule about guys is this" Sam started


	4. chapter 3

It was science class. Rachel was known to get sick when instructed to dissect something. Usually she's demand Sam do the nasty work and Rachel would do the peak through cupped eyes and name each organ and gag after each name. Stan, being the show off that he was, decided to accept the offer to show the class how to dissect a frog.

"Now, you have to cut here" Stan pressed the scalpel down, only to widen his eyes in horror as a blackish thick liquid erupted out of the open incision and onto Rachel's face. Rachel just had to be sitting at the front of the class today. The classroom erupted into laughter as Rachel quivered in her seat, leaned forward and vomited, black stuff slithering down her cheek as Rachel gagged and wretched in disgust.

"Oh shit I'm sorry!" Stan leaned over the lab desk with a surgical sponge and wiped on Rachel's cheek, positively smearing it.

"Some way to mark your territory" Rachel joked, twitching, the smell of dead frog made Rachel want to go onto her hands and knees and vomit over and over.

"Gross, dude!" Kyle howled, beside Rachel

"Oh fuck that was disgusting" Rachel wiped the mess using paper towels

"Language!" Teacher hollered

Stan stabbed the frog again, only to have an organ eject from the frog and into Stan's eye. He, in turn, dropped the scalpel to the floor and screamed, clawing at his face, grabbing the organ, Rachel jumped up to rescue the skidding scalpel, only to topple the table. She screamed as Stan fell over and got impaled in the face by the smelliest dead frog I existence as the table crashed onto its side, utensils skittering apart.

"Oh shit- shit- shit!" Rachel swore as the class erupted into a fit of giggles and dry gags.

"Oh fuck it SMELLS!" Stan howled and flung the frog off his head and onto the floor, causing a shower of projectiles to erupt from the frog and up their legs.

"Are you okay, dude?" Rachel asked

Stan answered with a shower of vomit hurtling into her face. Soon afterwards, they were sent top the nurse's office to get cleaned up.

"I'm so sorry about all of that" Stan repeated, wiping crap off his shirt as he watched Rachel pluck out bits of frog from herself.

"I'm fine, I just hurled my breakfast, lunch and possibly last night's dinner" Rachel laughed as Stan frowned at the smudge on his shirt.

"Eh, at least we get to stay out of science today" Stan shrugged

"This wasn't supposed to happen" Rachel muttered, "I'm not supposed to be this clumsy"

"It's not your fault" Stan shook his head, "I'm sorry I vomited on you"

"It's fine, frogs are disgusting" Rachel shuddered

Stan was about to head off and do his own thing when Rachel stepped before him.

"Hey, uh, we should probably do something after school, like a repayment for us defacing ourselves in frog carcass" Rachel offered, "Skating rink? Movie? Café?"

"Uh, I have practice tonight so maybe after school tomorrow. Dinner" Stan shrugged as he left

"Sure" Rachel waved and walked out, in time for the bell to ring and roll her eyes at Sam's instant laughing fit as he approached her.

"What happened to you?" Sam asked

"I clumsily dropped frog on him" Rachel explained, "It was messy. Why weren't you in that class?"

"I was, I was at the back of the class" Sam chuckled, "where no one notices anyone sleeping"

"Ah, the sleeping table…." Rachel whistled, "damn, of course you were there! You were just sleeping through it all!"

"Hell, I caught it all on video! Got it on YouTube!" Kenny laughed and danced around them

_…IT STINKS!_

Rachel could just hear their voices of turmoil and Kenny's muffled laughing. Kenny sounded like he was enjoying a porno than laughing at his friends getting impaled by frog juice.


	5. Chapter 4

Rachel placed her fork and knife squarely next to each other and looked up at Stan opposite of her. She felt that the conversations were stiff and rugged, as if they were not friends in the first place. They had been friends since the start but the ease of talking just wasn't there. She thought she liked him and she had most certainly liked the fact Stan was quarterback of the football team. But that didn't even matter. They had only finished the entre and Rachel was already wishing she were somewhere else. They had nothing in common and to make matters worse, Stan was on his phone the entire time.

"Hey" Rachel cleared her throat; "To cut the agony for the both of us, do you just want to cut it short?"

"Uh" Stan shrugged, eyes glued to his phone, thumbs furiously texting

"Fabtastic" Rachel said, only to have Stan glance at her with utter confusion

"What?" Stan blinked

"Nothing" Rachel set down money for her entre and left, Stan following suit and leaving in the other direction from the restaurant. Fabtastic!? Wasn't that, like, something Sam would say to her?

"I can't believe you friendzoned me!" Rachel did a double take at the voice. She looked up at two people arguing across the road, Bebe and Clyde.

"I can't believe you just think of me as your friend! After all the affection" Bebe blinked

"You know what?" Clyde crossed his arms and faced her, "The reason why I just friendzoned you is because I don't know you well enough to throw off my pants in a hurry"

"But-" Bebe blinked, looking hurt  
"Why don't we just try be friends" Clyde reassured

Rachel left the scene in a hurry, not entirely waiting for how the argument would turn out. She bolted across the road, only to run straight into a man with a creepy as fuck smile. The man was sorting something out on a tray, using a dollar note.

"Alo!" the man waved, walking over, looking menacing but acting normal

"Oh sorry! I didn't mean to run in to you!" Rachel stammered, backing off

"Eh" he waved a hand and took out a knife, to even out three rows of what Rachel soon realized was cocaine.

"Wait, so you're not going to kill me?" Rachel blinked, not entirely sure what to make of her own response  
"Because that's a total cliché! Then some moronic asshole will dive in and rescue you from the murderer!" he laughed and rolled the dollar bill, snorting a row.

"Oh, yeah" Rachel laughed, "That _is_ a total cliche-" Rachel blinked as a large shuriken wedged itself in the man's skull.

"Are you alright!?" Mysterion ran over, clasping Rachel by the arm

"Hey! He was a decent person!" Rachel snapped, yanking her arm back

"What? He had a kn…" Mysterion trailed off

"That was a dollar bill! He was doing drugs!" Rachel said, "Not really a very useful weapon against others!"

"Oops" Mysterion shuffled on his feet, looking at the man who was lying motionless on the ground, a shroud of cocaine littered around him.

"Were you trying to save me, hit on me or just be a murderer?" Rachel faced him

"All three?" Mysterion shrugged

"You have a funny way of picking up on the ladies" Rachel pointed out

"You're not going to ask who I am?" Mysterion asked

"I don't really care. You're a stalker and you creep me out" Rachel backed off, "I'm leaving"

"Oh, please wait! I didn't mean to creep you out!" Mysterion pleaded, walking after her

"Then take care of whatever the fuck is going on in your underwear!" Rachel snapped

"Oh, that will take some time. Unless you ant to help?" Mysterion winked, only for Rachel to shudder and gag at the same time.

"You creep me out" Rachel muttered, texting Sam

"But you're hot-" Mysterion stepped forward and screamed as Rachel threw a two fingered jab into his eyes, causing Mysterion to fall over in blind agony.

"Hey! Who killed my drug dealer!" a man with a pistol roared before them, staring

"Sorry, it was my fault" Rachel mumbled, shaking as the man slowly raised his gun

"Don't shoot!" Mysterion screamed in an utterly humorous falsetto voice , jumping up and exploding into a flying pile of blood as the man fired

"Oh shit!" Rachel screamed as the man fled, "Oh my god! They killed Mysterion!"

Mysterion lay there, gasping for air, hand to his bloody chest.

"I think you have some sick fantasies. I mean, who the hell goes after total strangers and risks their lives!? Thanks… by the way…" Rachel clasped her own chest, feeling an asthma attack rise

"I'm Mysterion" Mysterion said, twitching, "and I know you're Rachel"

"Jesus, you stalker!" Rachel wheezed, grappling in her pockets for her asthma puffer

"People like you are totally worth dying for" Kenny rasped, groaning as his head lulled to the side, eyes rolling back. Rachel looked up and saw Sam running over.

"What's going on!? You texted me saying you needed to talk to me" Sam said to the hyperventilating girl before a corpse

"The creepy mystery guy's dead" Rachel shuddered, "some sick stalker shit"  
"Right" Sam took Rachel by the hand and they started walking away, "I doubt we should be anywhere near the sicko, even if he's dead"

"He saved my life from a murderer!" Rachel blinked, shuddering from the memory

"To get in your pants" Sam shrugged, "I mean, you don't even know the guy"  
"Maybe he was a good Samaritan" Rachel offered

"Doubt it" Sam shook his head, "Sick bastard"


	6. Chapter 5

Rachel blinked at Kenny who was standing before her.

"I'm sorry I come off as a creeper or a weirdo" Kenny said flatly, "I don't mean to"

"That's perfectly aright" Rachel replied, redoing her messy pony tail

"Your friend is such a nerd" Kenny rolled his eyes, "How do you stand him?"

"Because he provides the best Autonomous Sensory Meridian Responses ever" Rachel smiled, "Nerd-speak for brain-gasms"

"Dork is getting a sock bath!" Kenny laughed and ran off, "Come help us bash the nerd-ness out of him! Who'll protect him now!?"

"You fucktard!" Rachel screamed and ran after him, pissed, only to run into a door that slammed into her face, causing her to fall over. She stood up, wiped the blood gushing out her nose and ran outside into an angry tight knit mob surrounding something, holding socks with bars of soap inside. Rachel scrambled for the center and dived over the battered and bruised Sam on the ground, to fend off the soapy thwacks, arms surrounding him, protecting.

"Well- that escalated quickly" Sam muttered as Rachel looked into his eyes and realized the very interesting and curiously suggestive position they were now was in. Together, they stifled laughter at their shared private joke and screamed as the class continued to whip them with socks of soap. Rachel squeezed her eyes shut as they kept whacking.

"Die, you fucking nerds!" Stan laughed from the crowd

"Hey- uh" Rachel whispered, ignoring the painful smacks, "I wanted to tell you something…"

"Hey! Back off, everyone!" Mysterion's voice shouted, hand grabbing Rachel by the shirt and pulling her backwards, out of Sam's subconscious arm embrace and up to her feet.

"What the-" Rachel spun around to see the crowd abruptly stop smacking socks and stare. Rachel helped Sam up after noting that Mysterion was making no action to help Sam up himself.

"Hey, can I please do one tiny thing?" Sam whispered in her ear

"Yeah, what's that?" Rachel whispered, "If it's how the hell this guy is even alive, I don't know"

"Now you leave this poor girl alone" Mysterion commanded, he took Rachel by the shoulder and neared, only to freeze as Sam tried to pull Mysterion away, yanking off his hood, revealing his true identity.

"Hey, uh, in case you didn't know" Rachel shoved Kenny away, "You're a creep. Your alter ego is a creep and now that I know that they both were you, I can safely say you disgust me to no end!"

Rachel didn't have time to hear his reply as Sam had already swung a fist in his face, sending him to the ground, molar flying out in the other direction.

"That's for fucking around with our minds!" Sam shouted at the squirming thing, "and for chasing around poor girls who clearly have NO interest in your SICK fantasies!"

"Dude, I think he gets the picture" Rachel took Sam by the arm, "I think we should probably leave"

"He probably rights fan fiction about himself with countless girls chasing after him because he's so cool-" Sam muttered

"Sam, you're not jealous?" Rachel teased, placing her hands on his face, caressing

"I'm just saying how disgusting he is and how girls like you shouldn't fall for shit like that" Sam explained, "It's disgusting and demoralizing to both genders and the feminist movement"

"Funny story" Rachel lifted an eyebrow, "I fell for someone else a long time ago"

"You do?" Sam blinked, "You didn't know you were in love with someone?"

"I didn't know it but I do now" Rachel answered, "Took a little bit of time apart to figure out the difference between love and friends... and creeps"

"And whommmm…" Sam trailed off as she cut off the rest of his question with a kiss that answered his question in an instant

"How can you not know if you're in love with someone?" Kenny said from the floor

THE END


	7. The story ends

Mr Garrison looked at Stan's story and blinked. This was some story to write about.

"So, the school nerd gets the girl?" Kyle stared, "What about the formula?"

"A good story doesn't need a formula" Stan answered, "Being a badass or an athlete won't guarantee you girls"

"Then what will?" Kenny asked, waking up from a deep and restful sleep

"Being a friend first" Stan smiled warmly, "Being there for them"

"You fail for not following the criteria and writing a formula hero gets girl story!" Mr Garrison snapped

"Aw, god-dammit!" Stan swore and took his F signed story back from the teacher

"Wait, Mr Garrison!" Kyle stood up

"What is it, Kyle?" Mr Garrison glared  
"I've learned something today. Stan wrote a story that could happen in real life. If the girl dumped her best friend for someone with muscles or a popular status, she's pretty shallow" Kyle explained, "Stan wrote about what would most likely happen in that situation"

"So, what exactly is the lesson learned?" Mr Garrison yawned

"Nice guys and nice girls don't finish last" Kyle smiled, "If it's the right girl or the right guy"

THE END!


End file.
